my #strugglebus with self-image

Hey famm, I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while but i’ve just kept forgetting hahah. But last night a conversation with my parents got me thinking again so I decided it would be a good time to start writing.

Basically this post is just going to be me being honest about some of the things I struggle with regarding the gym/food/losing weight. I get an overwhelming amount of support from people on my snapchat gym story or just people who have seen me working hard, and some have even told me that they wish they could be like me, but the truth is that I struggle a lot with self-image and how I look at myself.

If you’ve known me for a while, then you probably know that I was a chonky child lolol. I was literally obese in middle school weighing about 163 at my heaviest (and no, I was not tall and none of it was muscle.) To be honest I don’t think I even knew how big I was, I honestly was only bothered by it if someone else said something about it. I remember particularly when shopping or borrowing clothes from my sisters I would hear “I mean you can try it on, but it probably wouldn’t fit you.” and I don’t think they said this to be mean or anything, but they were right, it wouldn’t fit me. That’s when I began having the “If I could just be ____ then I would be so much happier.” At first I just desired to go from being fat to just being chubby. Then once I was chubby I just wanted to lose enough weight for my size to not stand out in a crowd. Then once I was there I just wanted to be average weight. Then once I was average weight I wanted to be skinny. And now that some would consider me skinny, I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be muscular and athletic looking and have a flat stomach.

Last night when I was saying goodnight to my parents they said “Oh yeah your 13th birthday pictures just popped up on facebook memories and we were like wow you look so different.” Then my step mom said, “Yeah it's so weird how you’re like the smallest one in the family now.” Then I replied with, “hahah yeah but not smaller than *insert my sisters name lol.” and then she said, “Uh yeah, even smaller than her, you’re the smallest.” In reality I’m just short so it appears that way lol, but this conversation made me wonder how thirteen year old Gracie would react if she heard those words. I genuinely think she would be in disbelief and would get so overwhelmingly excited and proud. Yet that is quite the opposite of how I feel today.

I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight in over a year, and I think that's just my body telling me “ayo this is a healthy weight you’re good fam.” But this plateau has just been frustrating at the least. Putting in even more effort than you were before and getting no results really messes with you, and makes you do stupid things. I’m not proud of it but food and the gym and what I look like is always on my mind. Like constantly. I’m always thinking about how I can avoid eating if I’m hungry or how I shouldn’t have eaten so much earlier or how I skipped the gym 3 days this week. This may be tmi but I don't care lol, but once during a time where I was barely eating, I skipped my period because my body just wasn’t well nourished enough to function normally. This should have been a red flag to me but somehow in some sick way it was the opposite, just a confirmation that my efforts were doing something. And as someone who really wants kids one day I should not have felt that way. Obviously this is not healthy but since cutting food shows results on the scale it tricks you into thinking that you’re “working harder.” Instead of looking in the mirror and being proud of myself I’m always discouraged by what I see. My motivation at the gym is no longer positive self-talk like “You can do it!” “great job!” or “you’re doing great!.” Instead it's me making myself feel guilty for how I look or what I ate, even though I know not eating will just make my body cling to stored fat for dear life and I won’t lose any of it. It's me thinking about all the other girls and how effortlessly they look how they do, and how I don’t look like that. If anyone says anything about my weight or food or the gym that isn’t an overwhelmingly positive statement, I overthink it and take it as criticism and it makes me obsess over my looks for the rest of my day. I zone out while thinking about it and cover my waist and stomach with my arms until I get somewhere where I can be alone to cry about it.

What I have learned is that no matter how much weight you lose or how toned or nicely shaped you may get, you will never be satisfied if you constantly find something else to compare yourself to. You have to be the one to determine your worth and remind yourself of how far you’ve come, all the things you can do, what you were created to do, how important it really is, and who God says you are. What has helped me is remembering my progress and thinking about how proud my younger self would have been. I remind myself that I am strong and can lift decently and can even do the stairmaster on level 8 for an hour with no hands bahaha. I remind myself that I’m no longer too big to run a mile or have a kid one day or take care of others. I remind myself that God didn’t create me so I could fulfill my destiny of having a six-pack. I remind myself that I was created to share the love of God and I am now perfectly able to do that with a healthy body that is a temple for the Lord. Being healthy is important, but looking perfect is not. I have to remind myself that I am perfectly healthy now, and don’t need to eat less or workout more to get healthy. Obsessing about myself is not nearly as important as enjoying everything moment in life instead of wasting it. Most importantly, I was created in God’s image, and he made me exactly how he wants me to be.

So yeah #lol. A lot of you think that I’m determined and confident and have it all together but I don’t lol. It is still hard for me right now but I’m confident that it's going to get better soon as long as I take care of myself. We need food to live and to be healthy and to do tasks we need to do and to get big chonkus muscles lol. If you miss the gym it's ok, you’re not going to lose all of your progress in one day. If any of y’all are struggling with the same thing pls feel free to reach out and I can share some more tactics that help me.

Y’all are da best

-Gracie